Garbage Day - Suicide Squad

Garbage Day - in which our hero finds himself once again defending a multi-million blockbuster from bullies on the internet. 

I'm going to try and be as spoiler-free as I can with this one but y'know *SPOILERS* are a little inevitable.

Look, I know you just let me out the doghouse after the whole Zoolander thing but... please stop shitting on Suicide Squad. Yes of course I value this relationship. No, I would never say this just to-  will you- just let me- what are you packing your bags for? Your mothers? Babe, please just hear me out. It's not that bad I promise. 

Was it as fun as I wanted it to be? No
Did they remember to give everyone decent characterisation? God no
Did this suffer from maybe the worst case of Will Smith Syndrome I've seen? God yes
But was this a god awful movie? Not at all

One of the biggest complaints I've seen is that the plot is thin - but I wasn't really going in for Oscar-worthy storytelling. I wanted a movie about bad guys blowing shit up and having a lunatic fun time. It did fall a little short there - I have to admit - it took too long to get to the action, having about forty minutes of origin story. But it was still an enjoyable ride. Deadshot had a great standoffish attitude with basically everyone that wasn't his own. Harley had a great relationship with basically everyone in the movie. Joker, while not having the reckless abandon I would expect was still very much the Joker.

Speaking of Harley - she was done pretty well... could've been better though. Margot Robbie was... well words defy me on Margot Robbie. But she did good. She was charming when she was supposed to be charming, scary when she was supposed to be scary and sexy when she was supposed to be sexy. But she really shines when she's all three at once. *Dodges telephone book* Yes I know she was a bit of a sex object! No I don't approve of the industry treating women like that but the thing about Harley is that while she's having a good time the film goes out of it's way to show how fucked up her situation is. The Joker is manipulative, abusive and controlling and everyone in the movie finds that relationship as fucked up as we do (Or should). My complaint is this version of the Joker does genuinely care about Harley - or at least acts like he does. Not more than himself (He abandons her to escape the Bat) but somewhat. It's interesting but I think they should really have driven home the point by having Harley be somewhat disposable to Joker. Because people romanticising that relationship is messed up and they should try harder not to nurture that feeling. 

Strangely enough, the girl with mental health issues and criminal tendencies isn't something to aspire to

Now, let's talk about Will Smith. This movie suffers from what I call "Will Smith Syndrome" i.e. that this film, probably as part of being able to hire Will, focuses a LOT on Deadshot. He get's the coolest lines, the most badass of action scenes, both the most badass AND sympathetic backstory. The first encounter with the enemy soldier thingamajigs everyone gets a kill or two - except Deadshot who gets ALL the kills. It's a solid minute or two of Deadshot just shooting things, looking cool while he does it. Then making a killer line. Even at the end of the movie, Harley beats the bad guy, Flag finishes the bad guy off, Diablo beats the other but Deadshot still gets to save the day. AND he gets a two-minute-slow-mo-scream with a close up of his face while also choosing his daughter or something (This scene was hard to make sense of) while he does it. It's not necessarily a bad thing except that maybe it detracted from the other characters. Tell me something you know about Captain Boomerang? There's not a lot is there. Plus, I would have loved more Katana than we got. Because she deserves so much more than thirty seconds of crying at a sword and then literally nothing else of note.  

Joker, Joker, Joker. This isn't my favourite version of the Joker (It would be hard to beat Mark Hamill or Heath Ledger, sorry Jared) but this performance was pretty solid. He was creepy, he was chilling. He was downright scary. He was even pretty fun - turning up in a Tuxedo to save Harley. In my mind the Joker will always be more prankster than gangster. But, this performance was captivating and that's the most important part of being the Joker. He should absolutely steal every scene he is in. He's an attention hog and he's a bloody good one so if he's on screen you shouldn't be able to look away. You should be frightened and fascinated all at once. That's why I approve of Leto's tattooed, gangster Joker. 

So as we can see, the movie does have problems. But it doesn't JUST have problems. Diablo's arc - which I can't go into for spoiler reasons - was sad and then it was badass. I liked the direction that went quite a bit. 
Enchantress - which again spoiler reasons - was interesting as hell. The only problem being she was made of bad CGI for a lot of the movie and I'm not sure why. 
It should also be noted this movie is pretty as hell. It's bright and colourful in a world where action movies tend to be quite dark looking. 
The gags were solid. I can't really tell you about them without ruining them, obviously. But rest assured this movie is funny sometimes. 

Is this a contender for Best Picture?
No not really
Does it deserve 26% on the tomatometer?
God no. It was enjoyable as hell if only just to watch Deadshot shoot things and Harley just be Harley.

Rating: 6.5
Could have been a seven if it was just a bit less slow to get to the action or spent just a little more time on the more interesting characters it barely thought about. But it gains points for solid action scenes, looking pretty, solid performances and gosh dang nabit Harley is the soul of this movie. 

Would I watch this movie again?
Yeah. Yeah I would. I'd watch it right now. What's that? You want to watch it right now? Yeah? LET'S DO THIS

Mugatu Meter:
Sadly, lacking in Mugatu. Mugatu neck snapping would have carried this to a clear nine. 

Fine, fine, I'll sleep on the couch tonight. No you'll realise you're in the wrong. Gaaaah, goodnight.

Garbage Day - So I watched Zoolander 2...

In which our lone hero wades through hollywood's trash pile looking for gold

**Spoilers**

Was it as good as the first one? No.
Are there more cameos than Man or God ever intended? Definitely
Is it the worst pile of shit I've ever watched? Far from it.

Honestly, I think this movie gets a bad rap. Now, now, put away your ripened tomatoes and pitchforks I can explain. I'll even do it from the stocks if it makes you more comfortable. Better? Better.

From the 24% rating this film has on Rotten Tomatoes I was expecting Batman v Superman levels of awful. I expected to come out of this movie feeling something akin to what I felt leaving the cinema at 3am one March night. But I didn't at all. I actually kind of enjoyed this thing.

Vip was creepy, All was uncomfortable, and the Sting reveal was obvious as hell - but they were supposed to be. This movie is silly and stupid and it revels in it. Many of the jokes are a little predictable - many of these characters are purposefully two dimensional so it makes sense that the punchlines are too - But more of them made me genuinely laugh out loud. One thing I did note was that even though a ton of the better jokes were wasted in the trailer they often went further. Remember, the selfie stick car scene? That went somewhere and I'm very glad it did.

Hansel's arc was about his committed relationship to his orgy and how he's reconciling their collective pregnancy with his feelings of abandonment by his father. Emotional scenes between the man and his orgy are usually acted out between Hansel and Kiefer Sutherland. It's dumb as hell and it charmed my little heart out.

Plus it gave us Gimp Ariana Grande

Zoolander's arc was also family themed - his son was taken away from him in 2006 because he was clearly an unfit parent. Derek also feels responsible for getting his wife killed. He finds him in 2016 and struggles to see past Derek Jr's weight. Over the film Derek will begin to see past this and lo and behold character growth. The family theme played out here is charming but cliche. Nothing special.

What is special - Mugatu. Near the one hour mark Mugatu reveals himself. I'm not sure I have the vocabulary to convey just how into Mugatu in this movie I am. Will Ferrel's performance is over the top, ridiculous and captivating. There is one scene where he makes out with a certain female and they just start screaming into each others mouths. It sounds... different. But it fits so well.
He wears devil horns for no reason. He screams at a child to eat his "Whore Pasta". He tries to escape via silk ribbons. He is killed by glitter bomb. I don't know if you can tell - Mugatu is my favourite part of this movie.

Another thing that comes up again and again is that Derek and Hansel got old. They're constantly compared to over-the-top millenial models and they don't quite get fashion now. Don Atari is the embodiment of this. His slurred voice and confusing way of speaking baffles the duo. He has a beanie, he has dreads, is totally a caricature of a hipster and do you know why I think this character is worth it?
Mugatu does a handstand and snaps his neck with his feet. That's right. You thought I was done with Mugatu? I'm never done with Mugatu. And Mugatu is never done with you.
But Atari is one example of satire I think this movie does well.


Ok guys, now we better talk about the cameos. Wipe the tomato juice from my face and the stocks and hear me speak.

The cameos were kinda funny.

Yes there were a lot of them. There were a LOT of them. The budget on this must have been like 90% celebrity cameo . But many of them were done right. Yes there were "Oh Hi Katy Perry" moments. But there Billy Zane turned up and gave people Netflix, Benedict Cumberbatch was ALL, Kiefer Sutherland was pregnant, Justin Bieber got shot, Susan Boyle swore at paparazzi, the cameos achieved something.

In an ever expanding universe - there is always room for Neil deGrasse Tyson

Again, you guys, Gimp Ariana Grande.


Would I rate it as my favourite movie of all time? Of course not. Nothing will break Hot Tub Time Machine from it's pedestal. (I'm kidding. It's Anchorman.) But, I. Enjoyed. This. Movie. and it's a shame that it's as panned as it is. Yes, many of the jokes fell flat and yes celebrities are everywhere and yes the plot is a little forced. But I genuinely liked it.

Rating: 6.5 - Would have been a six. Funny but often uninspired. Cameo inflation. But as I addressed the cameos kinda did a purpose. And it gains a half point for Mugatu. If anything the biggest fault in this movie was he didn't just handstand-neck-snap every foe he had. My next movie pitch is an action movie starring Mugatu where that's his special move.

Would I watch again: Yes - probably not this year. But I would happily watch this again if it was on TV. Or if I had just watched the first one and wasn't ready to go to bed yet.

Mugatu Level: Off the Charts

Agent's of SHIELD - Coulson's the Real Winner

In which our heroes discuss their favourite shitty spies
**Contains spoilers for Agents of SHIELD**

Dick: Why did Coulson give Ward his hand? *laughs*


Dave: I don’t know either. Because he… doesn’t deserve a hand? 
Why did he murder him by pressing on his chest it’s so slow and brutal *laughs*
I mean the real reason was so Ward could keep his pretty pretty face but why does in-show Coulson care about that? Just fucking crush his throat or something


Dick: Coulson just rips his head off *laughs*



Dave: My favourite thing Robo Coulson has done is lift a man by his throat ranting maniacally about his laser hand. Except it's JUST a hand. Coulson shouldnt be able to lift a guy like that


Dick: He must've always had superhuman strength. That's the only explanation


Dave: You know how Joss Whedon said as far as he's concerned Coulson is still dead? What if he is and this is all some elaborate guilt fantasy in Nick Fury's head? :L That's why everything always comes up so heavily Coulson, lose a hand? Boom. Cyborg Hand. Kids you never had? Boom you've adopted a whole team of spies! He's a badass now which he wasn't before. He's extra smug. He has his dream job.

Dick: I desperately want Coulson and the Secret Warriors to be in the Inhumans movie just because I love trash *laughs* 



Dave: I want a Fitz spinoff where he’s some kind of science private detective. Fucking hard-boiled moroccan noir Fitz fighting terrorists for love. I would watch ten seasons of an angry and heartbroken Fitz staring down terrorists and street criminals



Dick: Fitz the Monolith Puncher



Dave: "I'm done fighting over who gets to fight the real fight. I went against Talbot I went against another FACTION Of SHIELD, it's a massive waste of time” -Coulson on infighting in the Marvel Universe, Civil War coming out soon.

Strucker Jr was a weird fucking plot point

Dick: I didn’t even realise that Strucker was dead



Dave: Me neither, when was that? At the beginning of Avengers AoU? Who killed him? Was it the avengers?

Dick: I remember Winter Soldier hyping him as the next big bad, and the Avengers defeating him in the first 10 minutes
According to Wikipedia Ultron murdered him in his cell and wrote PEACE in his blood.  I don't remember that at all *laughs*

Dave: Me neither, that sounds metal as fuck *laughs*

Dick: All I remember about Strucker is he has the best eyewear in the MCU

Dave: Why does Coulson even still do fieldwork?

Well, plot I suppose

Dick: Exactly. They’re so shortstaffed, Dave.

Dave: Why is everyone aware of Coulson except the Avengers?


Dick: Because Joss Whedon. Ultron’s ending is very different knowing that Coulson saved the day

Dave: I don’t even remember how. Do we know?

Dick: It was his helicarrier or something? All I remember is his shit eating grin

Dave: Ok Coulson, ok *laughs*
Is Coulson using Dethlok tech?

Dick: For his hand? I don’t think robot hands count as Cyborgs.
 I’ve decided that Romanoff should be Captain America.

Dave: And thus we trick Execs into a female led action superhero movie

Zoom's True Identity

In which our heroes have a discussion before the Zoom reveal and one was too lazy to post this until now

Contains spoilers for the first season of CW's the Flash

Dave: Twist. I want Supergirl Superman to be played by Grant Gustin. Just drive home that Flash is the Supes of the CWVerse

Dick: I want it to be Nic Cage, he’d totally do it

Dave: And get Michael Keaton as an old Batman oh shiiiiit soooooooooooooooon

Dick: Chris O'Donnell could be nipple Nightwing

Dave: I think we just made the best thing to ever be conceived

Dick: They could actually go into the fact that Nightwing is a Kryptonian legend.  Or, if they're feeling goofy, a Kryptonian superhero

Dave: Then we have Alfredette Batgirl though, Billy Dee Williams could come back and be the two face we deserve

Dick: Make her Bete Noire

Dave: Oh fuck yeah. And we could have the league of Batgirls too with Barbara, Stephanie and Cassandra. Get Mr DC on the phone! You know that hot new sound you've been looking for? Well listen to THIS… Can we make a back to the future parody that instead of inventing Johnny B Goode we invent Batman 89

Dick: Danny, it's your cousin...JAMIE ELFMAN!

This conversation has encouraged me to catch up on Supergirl even though I know none of it will happen. The image of a DKR inspired Batman 89

Dave: We can have a Bette Noir/Supergirl version of The Dark Knight Returns

Dick: You were right when you said it'd be the best thing ever if they adapted Red Lanterns

Dave: Guy Gardner and all

Dick: There’s absolutely no way the movies are using him

Unless they want to try do Guardians of the Galaxy, which they probably wont since rumour’s say they're trying to do Lethal Weapon

Dave: I got an email which I thought said Zoom was King Shark and I laughed for a solid couple of minutes 

"I'm a *&^%$#@ SHAAAARK"

Dick: You have made me chuckle in a rather small lecture

Dave: I've been there

Dick: You may have ruined Zoom for me

What if its Harrison Wells again?

Dave: That’d be so shit. I love it.

Dick: One of the team screams 'BUT HOW' and he demonstrates the exact same mirage power from last season. Then Jay Garrick takes off his mask and he's a Wells mirage too.

Dave: I kind of want EVERY villain reveal to be Harrison Wells and for Barry to be shocked every time.

Dick: Harrison Wells is like Brainiac. He's a tiny multiversal component of a giant King Shark.

Dave: Damien Dahrk takes off his helmet and it's Wells. Savage is Wells. Chronos is Wells. I think we're all a little Wells on the inside